Loose Cans

Get Your War On

I hope most of you were aware of this strip. If not, you are now. I missed it bitterly in Ireland because I never got around to checking it. Nevertheless, my new fighting technique remains unstoppable.

Stymied by the job market, I finally realized what was missing: skills. Damn. The fact is that I am almost totally unemployable, either because I am mediocre to bad at something (everything that goes on within an office, except coffee-making) or because I am good at it, and either no one believes me, or I don't have a fucking B.A. in it (fuck off. I will soon). That, or I don't have enough experience (restaurants/bars). Well, fuck off, you too. How do you expect me to get experience if you won't give me a job? Of coruse I see their side of the argument. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

In any case, after rebuffage and difficulty, I have gone and done something sensible, for a change. This monday, I am starting a week-long, 40-hour intensive bartending course at the New York Bartending School, the finest such academy in the tri-state area. I'm excited. Check it out. Here's the curriculum:

• Bar Set-Up
• Bar Equipment & Utensils
• Opening & Closing Procedures
• Free-Pouring
• Mixology (Drink Recipes & Preparation)
• Garnish Preparation
• Wine Knowledge & Service
• Spirit & Liqueur Knowledge & Service
• Single-Malts Whiskies
• Beer Knowledge & Service
• Cash Register Operating Procedures
• POS Systems
• Legal Responsibilities
• State Laws & Regulations
• Customer Service
• TIPS® Alcohol Awareness Program
• Bar Tricks & Jokes
• Catering & Private Parties
• Interview & Job Hunting Skills
• Job Placement Assistance


• Lifetime Job Placement Service (Local & National)
• FREE Lifetime Refresher Courses
• Member of the World Professional Bartenders Association
• Member of the World Bartender Training Organization
• Member of FBA (Flair Bartending Association)
• Member of the New York Restaurant Association
• Member of the National Restaurant Association
• IGHRM (International Guild of Hospitality & Restaurant Managers)

Wine Knowledge & Service (INCLUDED IN COURSE FEE)
This comprehensive introductory course, taught by a wine sommelier, gives our graduates an added edge over most bartenders. It covers everything that the bartender needs to know about wine & Champagne knowledge and service, and then some. Graduates receive the 'Hospitality Wine Course' Certification. Knowledge of fine wines and Champagne is a must if you aim to work in New York’s trendy bars and lounges.

Beer Knowledge & Service Seminar (INCLUDED IN COURSE FEE)
All you need to know about beer, from fermentation to lagers & ales, and from tapping a keg to pouring a pint of Guinness. We are the only New York School that has a tap beer system (real beer).

Spirit & Liqueur Seminar (INCLUDED IN COURSE FEE)
From Cognacs to Single-Malt Scotch Whiskies.
These seminars are the extras that put our student’s way ahead of most professional bartenders. Some bar owners & managers send their staff to our school to expand their knowledge in wine & spirits.

T.I.P.S. Certification (INCLUDED IN COURSE FEE)
(FREE to our graduates / $100 to non-graduates)
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If anyone else has been having similar trouble (Ben?) getting work, let me know. It'd be fun to do it with a buddy. This course comes a bit steep ($695 for the 40 hours), but that's understandable, given that they have the best equipment and facilities. They've got a full bar set up, and they teach you all kinds of crazy shit. It's cheaper than taking a language course at Columbia, though. Plus this is probably the only class I'll ever take which will actually pay for itself. My God. Remunerative education. What a novel concept.

So any takers? Honestly, they have great job placement, and it'll pay for itself after a week or two on the job. You get lifetime refresher courses. No, you don't have to be 21. You have to be 18. You just can't drink the beauteous beverages you brew. Which I think is cruel. But hey. I need a job. I'm doing it because I figure I'll be a bartender for most of my adult life, and maybe moonlight as a teacher. Sound good?

What: Baseball.

Where: The North Meadow in Central Park, on the South West Baseball Diamond (it's the diamond one sees first as one approaches from the southwest.) Closest entrances are on the West Side of the park at 97th Street or 100th Street. The exact location is about 97 1/2th Street and one fictitious avenue east of CPW.

When: Thursday, 17, 2004, at 3PM (Fast Approaching!)

What Level of Talent/Experience is Expected: None, although a general knowledge of the rules, especially those concerning what to do (or not do) as a baserunner in the case of pop fly, would be greatly appreciated.

What Level of Quality of Equitment is Expected: Makeshift or better. Please bring bats, gloves, balls...Michael Geraci has the following advice: "If you don't have a mit, use one plastic bag, but not two. Double bagging could create an excess of friction, possibly causing the, uh, 'glove' to rupture."

Who: You. Your friends. Your enemies. Your relatives. Your acquaintances. Your school/work chums. People who you meet on the bus. Wrong numbers. Generally, please tell everyone to come to this. And tell me if you, and/or others, can make it, and some general idea of whether or not there will be a great shortage of equiptment.

That is all! Ta!

(NOTE FROM SAM: Do not, please, use "ta" in such a manner; it does not mean Goodbye, it means Thanks. That is all. Anyone want to hire me for a job? Also soccer might be good too)

Ruthie has asked me to put the word out: tuesday and wednesday evenings this week, the Met is recommencing their beloved tradition of putting on free opera concerts on the Great Lawn in Central Park. It's Verdi's Nabucco tomorrow and Puccini's Madama Butterfly wednesday. Last year a bunch of us took in Turandot over a smorgasboard of wine, cheese and bread in the park and had an absolutely lovely time. This year promises equal festivity, maybe more because now I am awful hard up for any decent classical. So give myself or Ruthie a call just so we can get a basic head count, or just click that little link below and go do that voodoo that you do so well.

Oh wait. I just remembered something: Bloomsday on Broadway is on Wednesday, so you might say I have a prior committment. Anyone what wants to go (and it's really a hell of a party; I recommend it even for those what don't know Ulysses) to that should call me, as I do have an extra ticket...anyhow let's do the hopera in the park tomorrow evening. It'll be fun.

Incidentally the parents are home. They are jetlagged as hell but happy to be back. It's nice to have them here. Jacob and I had a great time over two weeks, but he left yesterday for Bucknell (where his program is), so now I'm an only child for seven weeks. Weird. Incidentally big news: he found out saturday (and had the chutzpah to call me at 1am) that he was accepted into the Juilliard pre-college composition class. This is of course huge; the finest composition program for persons of his age, more or less, that exists. This does not mean he'll be going to Juilliard afterward, but more that he can go anywhere else he damn well pleases. It's a big deal and I'm all proud again.